An Open Letter to Mary Ronan

Cover art by Sybil R.

Dear Mary Ronan,

While I wish to remain anonymous under this, I can say that around three years ago you came to my school and gave your abstinence speech. I will not give the name of the school, but let’s just say it was a big class, and it was obviously catholic.

Even though I was fourteen, I had some opinions about sex (almost, but then again what fourteen year old’s mind is fully made up?), but I kept an open mind walking into your speech, so I ask you to do the same for my letter to you. 

I remember it vividly; I walked in the theatre with my friends, and you were there with two large sheets of paper. One sheet listed “good friend”, and the other listed “bad friend”. As we settled in, you introduced yourself, and asked us to list the qualities of each. After we listed generic answers (i.e.- honesty, loyalty, humor, etc.), you flipped over the sheets to reveal that the “good friend” sheet had “the friend who waits till marriage” written on the back of it, and the “bad friend” sheet with “friend who doesn’t” on the back. Throughout your speech, you also continuously referred to premarital sex as “making the mistake”.

Here’s my problem with this; aside from the fact that you labeled teens who have sex as “bad friends” without outright saying it with your own lips, you used our words, and webbed us into your own personal morality spiderweb. Having us list the qualities of a bad friend, then flipping the paper over to reveal that everything we just said applies to fifty five percent of U.S. teens, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, pulled us into a conversation we then could not get out of, because you spun our words with your rehearsed bit.

Now, let’s address your “making the mistake” reference. Yes, I understand it is a catholic school, and the beauty of this country is that while you can freely speak about keeping your legs closed and justify it with the bible, I can freely speak about doing what you want with them, however words have an impact on those around you more than yourself. You did not address that “making the mistake” does not apply to rape victims, or whether you believe it does. Did you not consider the trauma inflicted on them, and how words can help, or halt the healing? Statistically, 1 in 9 girls under the age of 18 experience sexual assault, and 1 in 53 boys experience it as well. Did you ever stop to think to yourself, Hey, I am teaching to teens. Maybe I should consider that many could very well have gone through harassment, and much trauma is inflicted to them, so I should consider that during my speeches?, or has it just not been brought up? A problem many adult catholics have is that teens are turned away from the church due to “sin”, but have you considered they are turned away due to the corrupt lessons you preach to them, or the important ones you don’t teach, like consent?

Consent leads into my next point. Maybe instead of slut shaming, and using fear tactics to keep us teens on our knees for prayer only, you could also emphasize the importance of respect for other people’s boundaries. You and I cannot deny the fact there are cases of priests that sexually assault, so maybe you could emphasize how it is not condoned in the catholic religion, and that it is even worse than “making the mistake”. It has even said in the bible that rape is a sin (Deuteronomy 22:25- 22:28, Genesis 34, Jgs. 19-21, 2 Sam. 13 to name a few). If you want to get through to teens, emphasize that you are with them. 

Studies have shown that abstinence only lessons do basically nothing to stop teens from having sex, and instead contributes to the U.S. having the highest rates of teen pregnancy and STD’s in the developing world. However, I understand that at a Catholic school, of course it will be taught, and encouraged. You have a right to teach that, and to not partake in premarital sex, which is what I’m going to now refer to it as, because that’s what it is, and it is not a mistake. 

Isn’t that the beauty of being able to choose what you do with your body, Mary? You can choose to abstain until you get a ring on your finger, and I can choose to do whatever I want. Also yes, you can preach to me, and kids my age, about your own personal choice, but I can also choose to comment and critique your speech. Maybe your intent was not to shame kids who have had sex, but it certainly came out that way. It is people like you, who shame, that turn us kids away from religion. It isn’t rap music, it isn’t girls in short skirts, it is people like you who make us feel bad for having normal feelings. Most teens want to have sex, whether they actaully do or not. We scientifically are meant to have hormones, or “get horny”. You can dispute that with bible verses, but don’t blame us when we are turned away from your corruption. 

If you want us to listen, my advice is to look over how you say things, because there is much more danger in shame and fear tactics, than there is in being open minded.

- Gloria E.