My Body Count is None of Your Business, Thanks

Art by Cécile Dormeau

“Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut! It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right?”

Perhaps this line from The Breakfast Club by John Hughes may ring a bell to many of you? Stated by the character Allison, a quiet basket case, it was one line with many importance that came in later years.

In an era where sex is becoming less and less taboo, there is still a “double edged sword” that exists to this day when it comes to teens, especially young girls. Though in this day and age, women are taking ownership of derogatory terms, such as “slut”, or “bitch”, in many ways (E.g.- Amber Rose hosting the Slut Walk). In fact, people of all genders are starting to take ownership of their sexuality, and try to make the subject of, not just sex itself, but sexually transmitted disease, masturbation, pornography, birth control, menstruation and many more things something less awkward for young people to talk about.

While all this is well and good, we cannot deny the fact that things like slut shaming, and uncomfortable questions, are still prevalent among teens.

Oftentimes the question of how many sexual partners you have is still asked among people. While it is not wrong among friends just talking, because we cannot deny the fact that girls talk, boys talk, and overall everyone talks, it is something that is often seen as something anyone can ask anyone, though it may be seen as impolite. There is nothing wrong with people being comfortable with answering these questions, but the problem is that many aren’t comfortable with answering, whether they’re a virgin or not, yet they are pressed by many around them to spill. Another problem is that if they don’t spill, people often just assume a number until proven otherwise.

Take myself for example. I’ve been slut shamed since I first discovered my sexuality, and put on a bikini. When I was fifteen, I had only ever kissed, yet when I’d tell people, to their dismay they’d answer, Really? I thought you had a huge body count! I remember wondering why they’d think this, and they’d say it was because of how I dressed, what I looked like, and how I carried myself. This ensued a fear in me for when I actually started to become sexually active. I couldn’t truly enjoy it at first without fearing what people would say. By the time I was seventeen, many people only cared about my sex life. Many assumed I had a high body count, and anything I wore was deemed “slutty” by many, especially women who self identified as feminists. It hindered my mind a lot, and for a while I only dressed myself in baggy clothes for fear out of them calling me names. They didn’t care that I was quite smart, or that I could hold an interesting conversation on anything from politics, to weird internet conspiracies, and didn’t think of the fact that a person’s sex life has nothing to do with their intelligence, or if they’re a good person. They didn’t value any personality quirks I had, they just cared if I showed off my curves, and who I got with. It put me in a box, and for a while I played into the stereotype many put me as. I would dumb myself down, I would only wear showy outfits, but not for my own pleasure, and I made lots of sex jokes. All of these things are perfectly fine to do, but only if that is the type of person you are, not because you’re trying to fit a stereotype people forced you in.

Now maybe you’re wondering why I told that story. Well, for a while it weighed me down. I started to believe I had no value to anyone unless I was talking dirty, despite the fact I only ever slept with one person. They didn’t know that the truth was that I didn’t have a lot of partners, though there is nothing wrong with that at all, because they didn’t care to. They saw me as something demeaning, they asked invasive questions, and when I didn’t give them the answer they wanted, they made up a number that suit their own mind. The problem is the whole notion of looking at someone and believing that they are what you assume them to be without getting to know them first. It made me believe I was worth nothing more than looks, which made me more insecure, because without my looks I feared people saw me as nothing, so I was constantly picking apart my physical appearance.

This whole idea of asking invasive questions, and making up your own answer before getting one feeds into this whole idea of judging books by the cover, which is a lesson we’ve been taught since we were children.

Without getting too dark, or triggering, I can also say that it led some people to think the rumors about me, or what I wore, was an invite to take what was not for them. This pre conceived notion about me put me in dangerous situations, despite me saying "NO".

So, my message to all reading this is that it is not your place to assume anything about anyone based on their physical appearance, or to ask personal questions, because they do not owe you an explanation. If they don’t give you one then leave it at that and move on. A person’s body count is so insignificant to who they are as a person, yet it is something that people believe is such a big factor to someone’s character. The irrelevant number does not define a person.

- "Gloria E"